Marty: Previously on House of lies...
U.S. national bank has requested
a sit-down with a team headed
specifically by you. Ah.
I mean, I don't have to tell you how valued you are here at galweather.
You are one of our stars.
My God. I have a 94% match
with a shy Sarah.
Doug. (Gasps) That's your match?
When I'm through with the job, I'm staring at a boatload of cash.
And what happens when you leave galweather?
If you ever leave?
What's that supposed to mean?
And you met your husband.
Yes, Kevin. He's amazing.
He's smart. (Sighs)
I'm a... I'm a lucky girl.
To think that your boss
tried to talk me out of hiring you.
Um...
My-my boss what?
Sync and corrections by parlobrito www.addic7ed.com
Julianne (Over microphone): Enlightened leadership.
Team enhancement.
These are the hallmarks
of the apex program.
Now, during our stay here,
we are going to be hearing
from some of the brightest minds,
the most forward thinkers,
leaders in the field
of cutting-edge corporate innovation.
Simply put, this weekend is a game-changer.
The apex institute.
Galweather stearn's latest attempt
at distancing itself
from its sordid past.
So we pay
these assholes a fuck-ton
of our hard-fleeced money
so they can sell us the same old antiquated bullshit
about team building and leadership skills,
repackaged as the future in corporate ingenuity.
It's all part of the "new ethics."
Spearheaded by this woman.
Julianne hofschraeger.
That wolf in Gucci clothing
that tried to Judas me
on the U.S. national bank consult.
Now, I can either stir up a shit storm
of epic proportions over this, or...
I can just sit back
and smile and nod,
collect my riches,
while she tries to convince us
that we've entered into an era
of new values based leadership.
(Horse whinnies)
Tallyho!
Julianne: It is a new era
at galweather stern.
An era of responsible,
values based leadership.
A time for us not simply to survive,
but to thrive.
As a family.
(Applause)
Marty: All right, guess we gotta
do this bullshit. Hey.
Come on. Let's go get the boy wonder.
I was wondering if you were gonna show up.
Well, you can stop wondering.
You okay?
Do you really want to hear about it?
I didn't think so.
Am I bleeding? Are you all right?
Feel like... Punched you in the face.
Went right in the face. Doug: Yeah! Oh, God, yeah!
(Doug moans, bedsprings creaking)
Oh... my God.
Yeah, okay, there is it.
(Gasps) Doug: That's...
(Laughs) What is that?
He is definitely masturbating.
(Woman moans) What, with a split personality?
Maybe... Sounds like...
(Doug groaning loudly) Doug? Oh, Doug.
Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!
Doug? Doug! Okay, what?
Jesus, Doug. Doug: Jesus Christ.
How the fuck did you get this room?
I, um, house-sat for Pam the events coordinator
last weekend. Who cares, who cares about the room, okay?
What? Is your girlfriend here?
Doug does not have a girlfriend.
Yeah, I do.
Sarah. I met her in San Diego. Marty,
I talk about her all the time.
It just doesn't ring a bell.
So she's here?
Mm-hmm. Well, let's meet it.
"It"? Her... she... is, um...
No way.
(Laughing): No way.
She is... (Clears throat)
She's indisposed at the moment.
Another time. We have no problem waiting.
I don't know. Well, he has a sitting area.
An actual fucking sitting area... Okay. No. Hey, Jeannie.
Hey, hey! No! (Talking over each other)
Guys! No! I don't...
Oh. Hey.
Okay. Shut the fuck up.
(Giggles) Hi.
This is the pod. Yeah.
This is great.
Finally get to meet the pod. Yeah.
Right.
Not at all awkward. (Sighs)
To do that. I'm sorry. Um...
Yeah, you know what? Um...
This is Marty, and Clyde.
I'm Clyde. It's very nice to meet you. Oh!
Oh! Oh, my goodness.
That's a weird style got a towel on.
Of shaking hands. And, um, Jeannie,
of course. Jeannie.
Always outside our door when we've had sex.
(Laughs)
Does feel like that, doesn't it?
How does that work? It's...
So... So. So...
Why don't you get scrubbed up
and let's go sit in the stupid-ass lotus position?
Yeah. I will. I'm coming.
Right behind you.
(Giggles) I heard it as I was saying it.
I heard it as well.
(Laughing)
Um... Uh...
So... oh, yes. Yes. Very nice
to meet all of you. It was so nice
to meet you, Sarah. Okay, yeah, we covered that, Clyde.
And, Doug? Yeah?
You sound like a foghorn when you come.
(Laughing) Go.
(Clyde imitating foghorn): Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
Hee-haw... Get off of me. Fuck you.
Marty: Like if the queen Mary got a donkey
stuffed into its foghorn.
Well, she wants to fuck you.
Hmm? No...
Hmm? No.
Oh, okay.
Okay, hello, everyone.
Or should I say...
"Na-mayste."
Nah, I wouldn't say that. Doug: Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late. Had to change the sheets,
if you know what I mean.
This is exciting, isn't it?
Dr. day is a God
in the field of mindful meditation.
The man doesn't get out of bed
for less than six figures.
Ooh, he sounds great.
He sounds lazy.
So... head on out.
We're gonna meditate! "Na-mayste."
Yes. "Na-mayste." "Na-mayste."
Oh, hey,
Marty, can I...?
Just for a sec, just for a sec.
So, um...
I wanted to, uh, check in,
see how everything is going with brynn
and U.S. national.
Great. Yeah, I think brynn is...
Very satisfied. Great.
Were there some concerns?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Honestly, I was just, I was just checking in.
I'm sure you're gonna
knock it out of the park for us.
Well, thank you for that vote of confidence.
Yeah. Okay.
Oh, wait! Wait, wait.
Really exciting news.
We dug deep in the coffers and we were able to get
Malcolm gladwell.
No! Seriously.
Wow. He is going to fly in this afternoon
to speak to the partners
about choice and happiness. That is awesome.
Fuckin' a, huh? (Laughs) Right.
It's great. Yeah, it's unbelievable.
I wish I could be here for it.
Do you have someplace more important that you have to be?
Well, not... Look, my kid...
It's performing arts day at his school,
and I gotta... In Los Angeles?
Yeah. Wh...
I mean, th-that's a
two hour drive each way.
Uh, if I'm lucky.
I mean, it is Los Angeles, you know.
Marty...
You kn...
This weekend, um...
This seminar, this is really important for
the future of this company.
Yeah. Your future.
Mm.
Don't you think that you should
be here for all of it?
I mean... I would love to, and I wish
there were two of me-- a lot of people do--
but I made a promise to my son, so...
Oh... look. I cannot
tell you the number of dance recitals
and soccer games that I have missed
over the years.
And I-I still think I am
a pretty good parent.
I'm sure you do.
Are.
You know what?
I am confident
that you are going to make the right decision.
(Tires squealing)
(Gasps): Oh!
(Clyde laughs)
Hey, Clyde.
Sarah, right? Yeah.
I didn't even see you here, that's crazy.
I was just laying down for a bit. (Laughs politely)
Your body looks like you got burnt a little bit. Does it? (Gasps)
Oh, fuck... You're right. Yeah.
Do you see, when you put your hand on... Oh, I got it.
Thank you. (Laughs)
Sure. Okay.
Yeah.
You know, someday we're gonna chat
when I have clothes on.
Bite your tongue. (Laughs)
So you and Doug met on a dating web site?
We did, yeah.
What would a girl like you,
just hot
as hell... Okay.
Need with a dating web site?
(Giggles) Um...
They're a great way to weed out douchebags.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I get it. No, that makes total sense.
(Laughs) Let me help you out.
Uh, actually, that's fine. I'm okay.
Thanks, though. Stop it. You have such tiny hands...
Yeah. ...And you have so much skin.
Oh, they're doing the job. Really?
Yeah. Thank you. Do you know what you
really need? And it's gonna sound weird...
Oh, I'm actually fine.
Women always forget the cleavage.
The breasts always get most of the attention.
No, I don't think they do. No one forgets their...
Are you sure? Yeah.
Never forget. Never... (Laughs) Right.
Your tits are like 9/11.
All right. Yeah.
Okay. So I'm gonna head out.
But if you need anything, you know my room number, okay?
Um...
All right, nice to see you.
Nice to see you, too.
Take care.
You take care of your own self. I will.
Don't forget, okay?
Yep. Okay.
(Whispering): Jesus Christ.
Gita, hey. Almost missed it.
(Piano playing)
Hey, pop. Hey.
I didn't miss anything, right? No.
Oh, that was wonderful. So beautiful. Thank you, girls.
How about that?
Hey. Hey.
Hey, baby. Mmm. Sorry I'm late.
I didn't miss him, did I?
No, no. He's up next.
Oh, sweet.
Gita: Mrs. Anderson's fourth-grade class.
(Chuckles)
What?
Huh? We'll talk about this later.
Oh, yeah, we'll definitely gonna talk about it later.
Okay, now our next group had their hearts set on "krumping"
for you all, but although we're against
any form of artistic censorship, we're also big fans of being
respectfully appropriate.
So please welcome Roscoe kaan,
Philip Davis, susie Ellis and Virginia prazar
doing a routine from pippin.
Pippin? They're doing pippin.
Why do you sound excited?
It's a good play. Ben vereen.
Yeah, I know who's in it.
(Hip-hop music plays)
♪ Party on the wall, looking for a bad one ♪
♪ you looking for some dick? Well, I have one ♪
Oh! ♪ I'm not a titty man, girl, you got have buns ♪
♪ I'm that high sauce ♪
♪ and one, like the man said, on like a generator ♪
♪ smoking hella weed, I think I need a ventilator ♪
♪ and I ain't talking stacks on deck ♪
♪ I'm talking sit up on a dick... ♪
♪ sit up on a dick, girl, it's nothing ♪
♪ pull them panties down ♪
♪ I'm trying to play with your muffin ♪
Ooh! Ooh! ♪ I'm just trying to function ♪
♪ ain't no use in fronting, got the biggest Booty ever ♪
♪ can a player hit... ♪ oh!
♪ Bitch, sit on a dick, s-o-d, trick, sip on the fifth ♪
♪ you ain't talking about dick, then you talking about chips ♪
♪ that chips, bitch, sit up on a dick ♪
♪ sit up on a dick... ♪
Gita: That's certainly not pippin. Stop. Stop!
Just stop it. Stop! Can someone turn off that music?
Someone turn that off, please?
Man (Over p.A.): Red, blue teams, head to the raft race.
It's, um, who fucking...?
All right, who cares? Um, a guy
with a dick with big granny titties.
It's okay. Paper and at the lower
left-hand side, what is it? A signature. Is there a movie
called big titty signatures?
(Groans) What?
Growling, hitting the board doesn't help, Doug, okay?
Okay, time's up. Again.
No! Come on! Serious? God, "Santa claus!"
Where do you see Santa claus in any of that shit?
"Saint," obviously, halo.
Then what is this?
These are big titties. Do you see 'em?
That's hands together!
Old grandma titties! Don't disrespect the hands.
And then there's just like a document.
It's a contract. This is the clause part.
You expect me, you expect me to get the clause part?
Saint clause. Santa claus.
You're a fucking idiot, okay? You're honestly the worst
person I've ever seen in my whole fucking life.
You're gonna eat it out there today, oberholt!
We are gonna win on that raft.
Why don't you do some more coke, Francis?
Never done coke a day in my life.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What's wrong with you? Get out of here!
Don't tell me what to do? Hey, Doug. We're gonna win, dick.
Hey, Francis.
Don't say hello to Francis. You know what?
Hey, just take the tape, guys.
Wait. For real?
Yeah. That guy's an asshole. He made fun of my hair earlier.
Yeah. What? You have beautiful hair.
Thank you. Let's go. Stop it. Come on.
Go, go, go. Look at you.
Look at them. Look at them.
Yeah, they look like winners.
Why are they trying so hard?
Why aren't you trying so hard?!
Because who gives a fuck? Because we can win this thing!
Being a team! That's what this is about.
Oh, my God! This is you.
You're driv... Don't be an asshole. Give me that.
The raft's almost done.
We're almost finished, oberholt. You getting nervous, asshole?
What's your fucking problem, Francis?
My fucking problem is you and your pod walk around
like you're the shit.
Not so much the shit when
Marty kaan's not around to hold your hand, are ya?! (Laughs)
Finished! It's done! Yes!
Shit! Come on. Keep going.
Fuck it, let's go.
No, no, no, no. We're not done. We have to secure the bamboo.
The bamboo's fucking fine. Grab that end right now.
One, two, three, up. You better row
like a fucking champion out there, Doug.
What? Me? When was that decided?
Did you or did you not row crew at Harvard?
Well, as second alternate. I never made it out
of the rowing tanks. Now is your fucking chance.
I don't know. I feel like we have an unfair advantage.
Doug, Doug, will you be a team player
for once in your fucking life?!
What did you...? Me? I'm always a team player!
Doug, get in the fucking raft! Get in the fucking raft!
Okay, okay, yeah. Go! Ready?
Up. Pop it in there.
Get the hell out of there. Go, go, go, go, go!
Fuck. Let's go. Let's go.
No way. Uh-uh, no fucking way. That is not stable.
Go, goddamn it! All right, all right, all right!
All right, here we go. Jeannie, don't push me. Doug, right now.
I got it. I got it. Give me the oar. Give me the oar!
Oh, God! Oh, my God, oh, my God!
(Crowd shouting)
Nice shorts.
Hey, man, fucking second place, asshole.
Yeah, Doug!
Huh?!
(Overlapping shouting)
Stop smiling. Just go!
Oh, my God!
I got this, man, I got this!
You got it, Doug. Let's go, Dougie.
Doug! Doug!
(Gasps)
Fuck you, oberholt!
Doug? Doug?
Help me! I can't swim! I can't swim!
Do something!
(Yells)
You fucking losers!
We win!
Oh, my God.
(Crowd cheering)
You're a big fucking idiot, Doug.
It's that shallow?
Ooh, God, is the heating on?
Ugh! Take it, just get it all off.
Yeah, can you...? I've got it, yeah.
You know, it's my fault really
if you think about it.
I should have
just been honest with them, you know?
Yeah, they they wouldn't have bullied you into doing it.
Bullied? What? I don't think I was exactly bullied.
Really? So, what, you volunteered?
Even though you don't know how to swim?
Well, no. Come on. It's a little more complicated than that.
Oh, sounds like it.
You're gonna be late for your party.
Our party.
Yeah, I don't think I should go.
No, it's no problem, honestly.
I'm just gonna say you're a new hire.
(Groans) I don't want to go, Doug!
What? Why not? Honestly? Yeah.
Because the people you work with are assholes. No, they're not.
Yeah, and they don't respect you, yeah.
And I don't wanna be around them. They... listen to me.
They do respect me. It's a consultant thing.
They kinda have their own way of doing it.
Okay, well, I don't think they were being very respectful
when they knocked on our door while we were having sex.
Well, in fairness, they did wait until we were finished, so...
I'm sorry.
And they weren't respectful of you at your...
Boat race thing. I know.
And Clyde certainly wasn't respectful of me when he hit on me.
Clyde hit on you?
When I was laying out by the pool.
Were you wearing that, that sexy little pink two-piece?
What the fuck does that have to do with anything?
Hold on. That's not what I mean.
You just look so sexy
in that thing. You do. And, and,
listen, I know Clyde, all right? He talks a very big game,
but I honestly don't think he would "hit on you" hit on you.
Mm-hmm, okay. He offered to rub sunblock on my tits.
Well, that's kind of like a handshake for Clyde.
Oh, Doug. I'm sorry. I don't know why I do it.
Honestly, you-you act like these people are better than you,
and they're not.
You're smarter.
Well, yeah.
Yeah, you're more handsome, okay? (Chuckles)
You're better than them.
And the fact that you don't see it
kinda makes you seem like a putz.
I'm gonna go get ready.
Okay.
Clyde: And what's gonna happen when the raft breaks?
You're gonna start drowning.
Hey, have you guys...? Hey, hi. Hey.
Have you guys seen Marty?
Why?
Um, 'cause I want to know.
Well, he's not back yet.
Well, fuck him then. Let's have a party!
Let's get some shots.
(All clamoring)
Let's do one more!
Gotta hear it. Give me one Marty b-school story.
Oh, yeah. Come on. More, more, more, more.
He made me a mix tape once.
Marty made you a mix tape?
Shut the the fuck up. Marty kaan?
Did you guys remember that song, "I swear"?
Are you kidding me. Yes, or course.
You know what? You know what? I bet
he went to the all-4-one's version
over the far superior
both: John Michael Montgomery.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna make you a mix cd.
Daddy!
Oh, there he is.
Marty!
You guys seem to be having a good time.
Tamara was actually just telling us
what a sweetheart you were in b-school.
I am putting all your shit out there tonight, honey.
That's fantastic.
Did you use to bring her coffee
when she was up sleepy all night studying? Mm-hmm.
How you used to go to poetry slams together.
How you made her an admittedly flawed,
but nonetheless thoughtful mix tape.
(Singsongy): You loved Tamara! You loved Tamara!
(Laughs)
I got a little bit drunk.
Yeah, we could tell.
Yeah, what started all this?
I was just saying how much
this party reminds me of the ones we had at b-school.
Really? Well, unless there's a keg of natty ice somewhere
and Monica's passed out in the corner, I don't think
this is anything like b-school days.
Oh, okay, well, maybe I just wanted to reminisce.
And now,
I think I want to dance.
Oh, boy. Marty, do you want to dance?
(Giggles)
Marty, come dance with me.
Dance, Marty.
No, no, no, not unless I get caught up with you guys first.
Okay, all right, well, if you're gonna go to the bar,
just get us another, um,
a bottle 'cause we're empty, we're done.
Get a bottle.
A bottle? Mm-hmm.
You sure?
I'm sure, I swear.
I swear!
All: ♪ by the moon ♪
♪ and the stars in the sky ♪
♪ I'll be there... ♪
Oh, hey.
Marty, just...
Just checking in. Checking... (Laughs)
So, uh, how was your son's recital?
Oh, it was amazing. Was it?
Yeah, really fantastic-- not to be missed.
Y-you know what?
So was Mr. gladwell.
Ooh, he was brilliant.
Great. I wish that you could've been there.
Yeah, there's no goddamn way I can keep doing this.
I'm sorry. Doing what?
This, this passive aggressive bullshit dance that we do
whoa, whoa. While you try to handle me.
I'm not following you. I can't fucking take it, Jules.
I'm not foll... I'm sorry.
Really, are you sure? Because you're
a lot of things, Jules, but stupid isn't one
of them. Okay.
Is this about to be real?
What you're gonna say right now, you're gonna hit me the real...
The real straight talk? Marty.
Bring it.
You should know that this aggression...
This aggression?
This aggression of yours
will no longer be tolerated by this company.
Is that straight enough for you?
Yeah. (Clears throat)
(Laughs) Yeah, I'm sorry, it's, uh...
(Groans)
It's not gonna happen again.
I so sincerely hope really that you mean that
because together I know that we can do
great things for this company.
We all just...
We have to know our place.
(Quietly): Our place.
(Music playing, indistinct crowd chatter)
(Upbeat music plays)
(Hip-hop music playing) ♪ here we go now ♪
♪ that fool's out of control now ♪
♪ here we go now ♪
♪ fool's out of control... ♪
(Rock music playing)
(Upbeat pop music plays)
Hey, hey, Jeannie, can I talk to you for a second?
No.
(Laughs) Come on.
Hey, no, just take... Just for one second.
No, Doug. (Laughs)
No, Jeannie, for real, honestly, please?
Fine. Okay, all right.
Sorry, uh...
Oh, they have... Um...
What, what's up?
All right, so, I'm just gonna...
Come right out and ask.
Do you think that Clyde would ever, uh,
hit on Sarah?
(Inhales deeply)
Yes, definitely. Why?
Why-why?
Because we're friends.
Because...
Doug?
Oh, no, no, Doug.
Clyde does not care about you.
Clyde doesn't care about me.
Clyde just cares about Clyde.
That's...
But you know that, right?
Huh? Yeah.
Yeah. (Laughs)
It's Clyde. Right.
It's Clyde. No, that's what I was saying.
It's Clyde, classic Clyde. Right.
That's what you were saying, okay.
Water off a duck's back for me.
Doug, there you are. Hello. Yeah, you found me.
I was looking for you. I'm right here.
You ready to call it a night? Yeah.
I was just saying to Jeannie, let's get out of here.
Mm-hmm. Okay, so, um...
I can't find my purse.
You lost it somewhere?
Yeah, so I'm... You want to...?
Oh, gosh, yeah, of course.
I'll, uh, I'm on the case.
Okay.
Good night, Jeannie.
We're not gonna have a problem, are we?
Why would we have a problem?
You know,
your crush that you have on Doug.
(Laughs)
I don't have a crush on Doug. Mm-hmm, okay.
I don't... no, Sarah, I do not have a cru...
I am not at all interested in-in Doug.
Great, so just leave it there. Yeah. Okay.
And we won't have any problems.
Correct, correct.
Great, then have a good night.
The fuck is happening tonight?
I tell everybody in the office.
Ask this guy right now-- Doug? No, you don't.
Haven't I always said that zanna's the hottest girl
in the office? And then he says...
No, no, he says
he'd let you blow him if you lost ten pounds.
That's a joke, that's a joke. Wha...?
That's... he's just kidding around.
Well, thank you, Doug. Sorry. Zanna?
Why would you have to lose weight to blow me?
Doug?
What the fuck was that?
I would like to know why you don't respect me, Clyde.
I don't know, maybe it's 'cause you're a fucking cockblock?
No, no, no, I mean it. A real answer.
Why don't you respect me?
Are you being serious? Yeah.
All right, here it comes, Doug.
This is what you want-- Doug, I respect you.
Then why would you hit on my girlfriend?
Is that what this is about?
Doug, I'm not trying to steal your fucking girlfriend.
Yeah, because you couldn't steal my girlfriend.
Aw... I...
I can, I can if I wanted to.
You know, Clyde,
most people here think that you're just a selfish asshole.
But not me, I've never thought that-- you know what I think?
I think that you're a sad, deeply insecure little man,
who has to tear people down just to feel better about himself.
I do think that you are a good person,
but I feel truly sorry for you.
(Quietly): Yeah.
Is this what you're like when you start getting laid, man?
'Cause honestly I don't like it.
Well, I do.
I really do.
And if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go
and fuck my really hot girlfriend.
I'm saying you look good out there, girl.
Oh, am I taking you back?
Maybe, I still got the moves.
Mm, have you tried the jacuzzi in your room yet?
You do not have a jacuzzi in your room.
Yes, are you...
Fuck. You jealous?
Well, I'm not gonna be sleeping in a room
that doesn't have a jacuzzi, I'll tell you that, goddamn...
Mm. It's just the principle of the thing.
So where we gonna sleep, Marty?
(Laughing)
What's with you?
Where you...? I don't know, tonight...
The sloppy drinking...
Uh, first of all, I'm not sloppy. Well...
You've been off since you got here, Tamara.
Marty kaan, are you concerned about me?
Are you gonna tell me what the fuck's up?
No, I'm not.
No.
Not.
Not unless you tell me something,
something deep.
Something dark.
Something nobody else knows.
Mm-hmm. (Clears throat)
I'm leaving the company.
What?
When?
I don't know.
But I'm done with this bullshit.
All this...
Running in circles and this bitch trying to handle me.
I mean, I-I try really fucking hard
just to-to hang in here,
and make this shit work, but it's over, it's done.
You know what I think?
I think I got under your skin a little bit.
You did.
Mm...
So that's my deal.
(Exhales)
So, Kevin decides to take this job
in New York even after we promised
one another that once the kids were old enough
that my career would take priority.
(Sighs)
He hasn't changed much since b-school.
No, no, he has not changed at all actually.
So, what does this mean?
It means as far as I'm concerned
my marriage is over.
We're about to close this area down.
Thanks.
Hey, what's your name again?
Amy. Amy.
Have you been in the jacuzzis in these rooms?
As far as my bosses know,
I have not. Oh!
You're a bad girl, Amy. Oh, Amy.
What about tonight-- you want to, um,
want to try it out tonight-- I mean, it's open invitation.
(Laughs)
What?
And frightened Marty runs away.
You're such a pussy.
How am I pussy for...
Trying to have a three-way.
(Scoffs)
Ah, fuck.
♪ Bitch, sit on a dick ♪
♪ s-o-d, trick, sip on the fifth ♪
♪ you ain't talking 'bout shit ♪
♪ unless you talking 'bout chips that chips, bitch ♪
♪ sit up on a dick, sit, sit up on a dick ♪